Book in a Post: Games People Play

The breakthrough psychology that explains why people act how they do

This is the latest in my "Book in a Post" series where I extract the core concepts from influential books so you can get the primary value in under 10 minutes. If the ideas resonate, you'll know it's worth diving deeper into the full text.

Eric Berne's "Games People Play" introduced Transactional Analysis (TA) to the world in 1964, and despite its age, it remains one of the most practical frameworks for understanding human communication. While parts of the book haven't aged well (more on that later), the core insights offer a powerful tool for navigating difficult conversations, understanding why meetings go sideways, and transforming your professional relationships. If you've ever walked away from an interaction thinking "what just happened there?" - this framework likely has the answer.

The Core Framework: Your Three Internal "People"

At the foundation of TA is the concept that each of us has three distinct "ego states" that take turns controlling our behavior:

• Parent: Your internalized authority figures and the voice of "should"

  • Behaviors: Making judgments, setting boundaries, offering unsolicited advice, using absolutes ("always," "never"), speaking in imperatives, fussing over details, showing concern

  • Varieties:

    • Critical Parent: Judging, controlling, enforcing rules

    • Nurturing Parent: Protecting, supporting, caring

  • Expectations: Others should follow rules and appreciate guidance "for their own good"

  • Workplace Examples: The engineering manager who dismisses ideas with "That's not how we do things here"; the tech lead who won't let junior developers tackle challenging tasks "because they're not ready yet"

• Adult: Your rational, data-processing self that makes decisions based on current information rather than emotions or preset rules.

  • Behaviors: Asking clarifying questions, weighing options logically, speaking in measured tones, acknowledging uncertainty, considering evidence

  • Expectations: Others will engage with facts, respond to reasonable requests, and participate in problem-solving

  • Workplace Example: The developer who responds to a bug report by methodically gathering data, testing hypotheses, and collaborating with others to find the root cause without assigning blame

• Child: Your emotional responses formed in childhood

  • Behaviors: Showing spontaneity or compliance, being creative or rebellious, avoiding responsibility, seeking validation

  • Varieties:

    • Free Child: Spontaneous, creative, playful, curious

    • Adapted Child: Compliant or rebellious in response to rules

  • Expectations: Either freedom to explore and express, or to be rescued/guided by authority figures

  • Workplace Examples: The engineer who enthusiastically proposes unconventional solutions because they’re fun; the developer who won't make any decision without explicit approval from senior engineers

Every interaction you have comes from one of these states, and recognizing which state you're operating from gives you choices you wouldn't otherwise have.

Transactions: The Building Blocks of Communication

A "transaction" occurs whenever people communicate. Understanding these patterns explains why some conversations flow smoothly while others derail:

1. Complementary Transactions - When the response comes from the expected ego state. These flow naturally and can continue indefinitely.

   Example: Adult-to-Adult

   • You: "Do you think we'll need extra time to finish this project?" (Adult)

   • Colleague: "Based on our current progress, about two more days." (Adult)

   Example: Parent-to-Child

   • Manager: "Make sure you triple-check those numbers before submitting." (Parent)

   • Employee: "Yes, I'll be extra careful with them." (Adapted Child)

   Example: Child-to-Parent

   • Junior developer: "I'm completely stuck on this bug and don't know what to do next." (Child)

   • Senior developer: "Let me show you how to approach this type of problem." (Parent)

   The key insight here is that: Complementary transactions maintain connection, even when they're not ideal. This explains why “dysfunctional” relationships can be stable – they involve reliable complementary transactions (often Parent-Child).

2. Crossed Transactions - When the response comes from an unexpected ego state, causing communication to break down.
   Example: Adult-to-Adult crossed by Parent-to-Child

   • You: "I notice we're running behind on the Johnson project. What factors are affecting our timeline?" (Adult)

   • Colleague: "Are you saying this is my fault? I'm working as hard as I can!" (Child)

   The key point here is that: Crossed transactions break connection. When you expect an Adult response and get Child or Parent instead, communication typically stops or devolves.

3. Ulterior Transactions - The most complex and problematic type, where there's both a surface (social) message and a hidden (psychological) message operating simultaneously. Example:

   • Colleague: "Would you like some help with that report?" (Appears to be Adult-to-Adult on the surface)

   • Hidden message: "You're clearly not competent enough to handle this." (Actually Parent-to-Child underneath)

   • You: "I've got it under control, thanks." (Appears Adult on surface)

   • Hidden message: "I'll show you I don't need your help." (Actually Child underneath)

   The key insight here: Ulterior transactions create confusion and resentment because people respond to the hidden message while pretending to respond to the surface message. Almost all of these pretend to be adult-adult as this is the professional and proper way to behave while being something else underneath - they’re dangerously messy and are likely the cause of pain in your workplace.

Why This Framework Changed Everything for Me

Understanding these patterns gives you a model to use to transform your ability to navigate difficult conversations:

1. Choosing your response - When someone addresses you from Parent or Child, you can consciously choose to respond from Adult rather than automatically matching their state.

2. Breaking destructive cycles - Many arguments involve predictable cycles (Parent-Child or Parent-Parent). Recognizing the pattern lets you step out of it by maintaining Adult.

3. Decoding ulterior transactions - Spotting when someone's words say one thing but their tone, body language, or history suggests another message entirely.

Practical Application: Using the Framework

Here's how I've applied this framework in real situations:

1. Staying in Adult when criticized. When someone takes a Critical Parent tone ("What’s gone wrong here?"), my natural reaction is Child (defensive or apologetic). Consciously shifting to Adult ("I understand you're frustrated. What specifically needs to change?") ctransforms these encounters. I also recognise I can be in Child but pretending to be Adult (saying “I understand you’re frustrated. What specifically needs to change?” but meaning “You’re being annoying so I’m going to sulk and make you do all the work in this conversation.”) Often just observing that, lets me step back into Adult.

2. Using "curious Child" to engage with an expert stuck in Parent mode. I've found this particularly useful when I'm reasonably sure someone is wrong but they're not willing to engage in discussion. Instead of challenging them directly, I ask genuine questions from a curious Child state: "Could you help me understand how that works with [specific scenario that I think is broken]?" This approach often helps the expert shift from authoritative pronouncements (Parent) to helpful teaching (also Parent) and thus to actual engagement with the problem.

3. Catching myself in Parent mode when coaching. I've noticed I can slip into Parent when coaching, giving lectures and advice from my experience without really listening to what the person being coached needs. Recognizing this pattern has helped me shift back to Adult, asking "What specifically are you trying to achieve?" rather than assuming I know what they need to hear.

4. Recognizing recurring games. An eye-opening example was noticing a team that continuously complained that "they" (management) never let them do any learning or development, yet somehow never spent the ringfenced time that was allocated for it. Understanding this as a game helped me see how the complaint itself served a purpose—maintaining a comfortable victim position while avoiding the risk of trying something new, and why my quick fix of hard ringfencing some time wasn’t enough.

The "Games" of the Title

The second half of Berne's book catalogs specific "games" – recurring patterns of ulterior transactions that follow predictable scripts and lead to negative outcomes. Berne has given these catchy names like "Why Don't You... Yes But" (seeking advice while rejecting all suggestions) or "Now I've Got You, You SOB" (setting someone up to fail).

Each game follows a pattern:

1. A series of complementary transactions that appear normal

2. A hidden ulterior motive

3. A "switch" where the true nature is revealed

4. A predictable negative outcome that somehow reinforces the player's worldview

While some of Berne's specific game examples feel dated or problematic by modern standards, the concept helps explain many dysfunctional interaction patterns we all encounter and recognise both in and outside the workplace.

The Uncomfortable Parts

A word of caution: while I find the TA framework itself is brilliant, many of Berne's specific examples and applications reflect the social and psychological understanding of the 1950s and early '60s. In particular, his discussions of sexuality, gender roles, and certain psychological conditions feel wildly outdated and can be deeply uncomfortable to read today.

My recommendation: focus on the framework in the early chapters and be selective about which examples and games resonate with your experience. The model itself is the valuable part – some of the applications haven't stood the test of time.

Is It Worth Reading?

Despite its dated elements, the core of "Games People Play" remains remarkably useful. I'd recommend:

• Reading the chapters establishing the TA framework and transaction types thoroughly

• Skimming the specific games, noting which patterns seem relevant to your life

• Being prepared to discard the parts that reflect outdated social views

It's a pretty quick read, and the framework alone makes it worthwhile. Just approach the specific examples with a modern perspective, take what’s useful, and bin the rest.

The Bottom Line

Understanding transactions has transformed how I approach difficult conversations. When someone responds unexpectedly, instead of being confused or frustrated, I can usually spot exactly what's happening: "Ah, I was speaking Adult-to-Adult, but they responded Parent-to-Child."

This awareness creates choices. I can match their state if that serves the relationship, deliberately shift to Adult to model the communication I want, or use a complementary transaction to establish connection before guiding the conversation where it needs to go.

For engineers and technical leaders, this framework is particularly valuable because it provides a systematic way to understand what often feels like the "messier" human side of work. Just as we debug technical systems by identifying patterns and root causes, Transactional Analysis gives us tools to debug human interactions with similar clarity.

For a book written over half a century ago, the core insights of Transactional Analysis remain remarkably potent tools for making sense of human behavior – including your own – and navigating relationships more effectively.